The hardest thing about stepping into your purpose is believing you are worth it. For me, I knew I was supposed to do something bigger than myself, my kids, my husband, but one of the main things that stopped me was my belief that I wasn’t worthy… of time, love and investment.
As I’ve shared before, I lost my first baby in a miscarriage, so when I was pregnant with my 2nd, I was going to do it right this time. I took all the right vitamins, ate well, read everything from What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth. I was going to be the best. mom. ever.
After my son Sage was born, I decided I wouldn’t go back to my retail management position. I was in love and couldn’t be separated. You know what? If I was going to stay home, I was going to do it right. The house was clean, groceries and meals prepared, baby taken care of. I was a part of mother’s groups and started a home business in order to make some extra cash. I was doing it all and I felt like it… exhausted.
And yet, I felt like I needed to contribute financially in some way, that the work I was doing at home wasn’t as valuable as my old job or my husband’s job because I didn’t get a paycheck. This feeling stuck with me while I stayed home with the kids. Because I wasn’t bringing in a large paycheck, I felt uncomfortable about spending money on myself. My focus and attention was on my husband and family and I was slowly losing myself in my role.
After our family moved to Hawai’i, I got pregnant. We still had a business in California and my husband spent most of the time away from home. I remember feeling lonely and isolated. I loved Sage but I felt a hole, that there must be something more. After I had Bodhi, I started slipping into low grade depression. I had let my side business go and a lot of mornings the only thing that got me out of bed was Sage, then 2, waking me up and telling me he was hungry. I could have laid in bed all day.
At this time I was reading (in bed) a book called The Gift of a Year where the author recommends you do one thing you love for a year. I had written down that I would love to paint and write, both things I hadn’t done for years. The next day in my email box popped a message with information on an online program using painting and writing. My heart sang.
But you know what? I didn’t sign up right then. At that time the cost of the program was $350. It wasn’t a HUGE amount of money. It wasn’t that I thought it was impossible to do it… I just didn’t know if I should. I felt like I would be taking away from my family. I started trying to justify it… Well, if I took my Christmas money and birthday money and asked my family to give me money for the holidays, then I could. I felt like I had to check with my husband (read: ask for permission).
I didn’t think I was worth the investment.
Luckily my heart won. That class changed my life and I found the courage to start investing more and more in myself. You can even ask my husband and kids… they are glad I’m doing what I love, I’m vibrant and connected to my heart… that I love myself.
This is what I want you to know: You are worth it. If there is a desire in your heart, find the way. Whatever time, energy, money, resources you invest in yourself, know there will be a return.
Your kids seeing a happy mom, you living your purpose, having passion and vibrancy… these are things you can’t measure tangibly. But they are important. Just ask your heart.
Leave a comment below. What is it for you? Where do you feel undeserving? That you’re not worth the investment? How much money is okay to spend on yourself and then at what price point do you start to feel guilt? What about time?