Do you ever feel that you learn something but then you have to learn it again and again?
I’ve been noticing one of my cycles and instead of feeling like I should be past it, I’m just being in it.
Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my art matriarch Sue’s death. In a couple weeks it will be my mom Sue Elyn’s birthday; she would have been 66. I’ve been pensive and sad. Here I am with my grief again. I’m crying as I type this because I miss my Sues.
When Mom died I decided it was too painful and the best thing to do was not feel anything. I got busy. I stuffed it. That worked for about 10 years until I start thinking about becoming a mother myself. I knew in order to be the mom I wanted to be, I had to feel. So I cracked the door open and in came years of emotions. After not crying for years, everything made me cry. Movies, books, stories. Anytime I talked about Mom I would well up. I felt it over and over again until slowly I could talk about her, feel and not fall apart.
(c) Sue Hoya Sellars
Grief, like many things, circles around again and again. It’s a spiral. Often times I find myself at the same place thinking, How am I here again? The thing is its not the same place.
Can you relate?
Maybe its the way you show up in relationships, with family, your health or eating, the way you manage your finances.
I know it’s like that for me with self-care. I feel like I learned my lesson, taking really good care of myself and then I would get sick and need to learn self-care at a whole new level.
After the New Year pushing hard in my business I got sick. I nurtured myself and set up my schedule to take time off. After putting too many things in my schedule (packing in too much each day) I got sick again. So again, a recalibration… only working 4-6 hours a day, the rest of the time mommy/wife. Then, in the midst of not pushing my business, the end of the year came with the kids’ school ho’ike, school art classes, my own hula performances and my husband traveling. Yup. Ended up with pneumonia. So since then I’ve recalibrated my self care and schedule to adjust for my life, not just my business. It’s like a self care onion. I just keep pulling off more layers.
Sometimes I’m surprised when my shit shows up. I think to myself, Again?
In a power struggle with my kids over their homework… again? Not speaking my truth… again? Feeling judged… again? Feeling grief…. again? Needing to focus on my own self care… again?
But this is the practice. Each again has movement.
So use this as a dose of self compassion if you are beating yourself up about not doing your healing or self discover fast enough. And if you find yourself there again, remember…. you’re at a new layer. Keep peeling.
Share what is one of your lessons that keeps popping up again and again? Let’s celebrate whatever layer you’re on.
