Monday was a rough day for me. I was being mean to myself, sitting in shame/ guilt/unworthiness space. SO. Not. Healthy. I couldn’t find my motivation and just wanted to sleep.
Have you ever felt that way?
Here’s how it all went down…
My eldest son and I were battling over homework, getting dressed for school, and getting his chores done. He refused to go to school and somehow I decided in that moment, I was going to make him go. Ugh. Our argument escalated and part way through after turning into a crazy lady screaming, him running down the street crying half clothed, I lost it. Normally when I get to the edge of my patience, Tony (hubby extraordinaire) is there and we do the handoff. But this time he was in California on a trip… And I totally lost it. I hit my breaking point.
I won’t go into fine details, but suffice to say I was so ashamed of the way I treated my son. I was mean, and said some really awful things. I even manhandled him to get his clothes on. A 37 year old woman wrestling clothes on a 9 year old isn’t pretty. We both felt terrible. By the time I dropped him off at school, we made up, hugged and apologized. As I drove away, shame and guilt set in hard core. I felt exhausted and gray. It reminded me of my “dark days” after baby #2 when all I wanted to do was stay in bed.
And I would have climbed right into bed if it wasn’t for…
1) My second mom… She called to discuss her upcoming trip to visit us here in Hawaii (Yay!). She asked how I was doing and I told her about my rough morning. She told me, Amber, you are a good mom. We all reach our breaking points. If there was a video camera in every mom’s home, you’d see that. Have some compassion for yourself. You are doing great.
Those words shifted something inside. Here was someone who understood what it was like (she has 5 kids) and had total compassion for me. I didn’t feel judged (I was doing a great job of that myself).
I felt loved and that started lifting my veil of shame.
2) My business accountability partner Wendy Collier… I had to talk to her. We talk every week, so laying in bed not doing what I said I was going to do, doesn’t work. Because I had my support sister, I knew that even if I was feeling blah, I still had to complete what I said I’d do.
3) My father-in-law Andy… He read me a beautiful poem about how we all fall down and our practice is to get up again and again. I remembered my son when he first learned how to walk. He would fall down over and over and over again, but he would also get up. He didn’t stay down. We are all compassionate, happy, giving, kind people, except when we are not.
Our power comes from choosing to get up again… choosing to act the way we want or to go for what we want again and again.
When you miss your morning meditation, journaling, workout, green shake… when you’re mean to your kids or partner, or don’t do what you say you’re going to do with your business or vision, the power comes from starting again.
Now, I could have told my story to many people, but there are only a few who would come back with the compassion, support and wisdom I needed in that moment. When you are deep in shame, self blame, or guilt, remember that. What got me out of shame was others hearing me and telling me it was okay. I had to admit what I was feeling and open up. I had to share. But this is also where you have to be careful. If I had talked to someone who had judged me, it would’ve taken me further down that dark spiral. Know who will lift you up.
This is why I though of you…
As women, it is common for us to blame ourselves, feel guilty or not feel worthy. Part of my work is teaching and mentoring women. Please hear this…
You are worthy. Your vision, dream and passions are important. When you think you don’t have anything to offer, it’s not true. What you have to offer is utterly unique and if you don’t offer it, it will be gone. There are people waiting for you to step into your vision. I see the best in you… possibilities and what could happen if… you choose again…
Today I want to encourage you… If you’re in a dark space or if you’re letting your mind and thoughts spiral you down, I want you to have compassion for yourself. You are normal. You can always begin again. Today you can choose to come back to yourself, to your heart, to your spirit… And I am here cheering you on.
What can you give yourself compassion for? Where can you give yourself a break? What are you choosing to come back to?